Drowning in my own bitterness

I hate being bitter, and even worse, I hate admitting that I am bitter.  I'm not sure how I got here, but here I am wallowing in my own bitterness.   Yesterday, I went to the local colllege to register for the 4 classes I need to get into nursing school and low and behold they are ALL full until January!  JANUARY!  Are you kidding me?  I wanted to be applying for the nursing program by then!  I'm driving away and cursing life...not God.....life!  I just wonder if some people are destined to struggle their whole lives.  Me and Jaime work hard, we value what we have, which isn't much...but it seems we are forever plagued with bad luck.  It is too much to ask to just have a good few months. 

I wanna throw my hands in the hair and quit.  I have been applying everywhere trying to find a  job and I get no calls.  A four year degree and I can't even get a job at wal-mart, starbucks, toys r us.  Huh!  I thought I was humbling myself by applying for those jobs.  Never would have imagined I could be humbled even more by seeing the email that says " unfortunately you don't meet our qualifications for the position you have applied!"  OK SO WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?????  Maybe I should just omit the fact that I graduated college...idk!

I have always been grateful at least that my family is healthy, but now I can't even really say that!  McKenna is doing well, but she is not what I would consider healthy.  She has a terminal illness!!!!  I hate to ask if things can get worse cuz I know they can.  And please bare with me because like I said, I am bitter.  I would think I deserve to be bitter, but I don't really.  There are people who have it a lot worse.  Its a lack of faith on my part.  I know it is, but  I can't seem to find it anymore.  My faith is wavering and I don't know what to do about it.  Last week I didn't even want to go to church (that never happens).  I CAN'T grow away from my God, I just can't.  He never changes, He is constant...but I am having a hard time seeing where I belong in His will for my life! Please pray for me, I need something, soon.  

Caught in transition

I made the decision I felt was right, and now here I am asking myself "What do I want?"  I know it was a hasty decision I didn't pray over......so now here I am questioning my decision.  I quit my job because I felt this overwhelming need for me to be at home with McKenna.  We had our taxes to fall back on, things would start looking up for the company, everything will work out.  Well.....here I am 8 weeks into being a stay at home mom and looking for a job.  I am pulling at my hair going crazy!  I apply for jobs and then when I go for an interview I cry because I will have to leave McKenna.  But really what choice am I left with?  Savings is running out, Jaime is trying to make ends meet, we have a house we can't afford to finish so we can move in, and the bills are not going to get paid if I don't get a job.  Its like a battle that I can't win.  I know God will put me where He wants me, but where is that???!!!! 
I want to blame someone, but the truth is, there is no one to blame.  My baby needs constant and consistent care to stay healthy and at this point, I am the only one who can really give that to her.   What is a mom supposed to do?  I need to remain positive, hopeful, and confident....if in nothing else, at least in God!  It seems that everyone I have counted on up until now can no longer fill the spaces that they used to.  Anyone who I could count on has let me down in one way or another.  Maybe that was part of His plan all along.  If I am counting on everyone else, how can I ever see the power of God?
So, all this ranting and I still have no answer.  I'll keep applying for jobs, praying about God's plan for me, and remaining faithful that I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be. Just another trial......

*On a more positive note.....McKenna gave me quite a scare a couple weeks back!  I really saw CF for the first time.  She was hacking and coughing and choking and throwing up. She had not appetite and cried all day. I was scared to say the least!  We went to the doctor, found out she had bronchitis and an ear infection.  We are on our last day of meds today and she is back to her same old self.  She is finally starting to eat again and her easy going personality is back.  Thank God!  I always go back to a verse from a Christian song "Our God is greater, our God is stronger...God You are higher than any other....Our God is Healer, awesome in power!"