I'm back

I stopped blogging because I felt like no one was reading or that it didn't make sense to put my emotions out in the world for everyone to read freely.  I recently wrote a letter for a friend's blog about my experience with McKenna having Cystic Fibrosis and I have been amazed by the feedback I got.  People wishing I had shared earlier, or compliments on my writing, or just a thank you for giving them hope.  So, here I am, back again.  If only one person reads my stories and laughs, cries, or finds hope then I guess I have served my purpose.  Plus, sometimes its just therapy for me to get things out.

Drowning in my own bitterness

I hate being bitter, and even worse, I hate admitting that I am bitter.  I'm not sure how I got here, but here I am wallowing in my own bitterness.   Yesterday, I went to the local colllege to register for the 4 classes I need to get into nursing school and low and behold they are ALL full until January!  JANUARY!  Are you kidding me?  I wanted to be applying for the nursing program by then!  I'm driving away and cursing life...not God.....life!  I just wonder if some people are destined to struggle their whole lives.  Me and Jaime work hard, we value what we have, which isn't much...but it seems we are forever plagued with bad luck.  It is too much to ask to just have a good few months. 

I wanna throw my hands in the hair and quit.  I have been applying everywhere trying to find a  job and I get no calls.  A four year degree and I can't even get a job at wal-mart, starbucks, toys r us.  Huh!  I thought I was humbling myself by applying for those jobs.  Never would have imagined I could be humbled even more by seeing the email that says " unfortunately you don't meet our qualifications for the position you have applied!"  OK SO WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?????  Maybe I should just omit the fact that I graduated college...idk!

I have always been grateful at least that my family is healthy, but now I can't even really say that!  McKenna is doing well, but she is not what I would consider healthy.  She has a terminal illness!!!!  I hate to ask if things can get worse cuz I know they can.  And please bare with me because like I said, I am bitter.  I would think I deserve to be bitter, but I don't really.  There are people who have it a lot worse.  Its a lack of faith on my part.  I know it is, but  I can't seem to find it anymore.  My faith is wavering and I don't know what to do about it.  Last week I didn't even want to go to church (that never happens).  I CAN'T grow away from my God, I just can't.  He never changes, He is constant...but I am having a hard time seeing where I belong in His will for my life! Please pray for me, I need something, soon.  

Caught in transition

I made the decision I felt was right, and now here I am asking myself "What do I want?"  I know it was a hasty decision I didn't pray over......so now here I am questioning my decision.  I quit my job because I felt this overwhelming need for me to be at home with McKenna.  We had our taxes to fall back on, things would start looking up for the company, everything will work out.  Well.....here I am 8 weeks into being a stay at home mom and looking for a job.  I am pulling at my hair going crazy!  I apply for jobs and then when I go for an interview I cry because I will have to leave McKenna.  But really what choice am I left with?  Savings is running out, Jaime is trying to make ends meet, we have a house we can't afford to finish so we can move in, and the bills are not going to get paid if I don't get a job.  Its like a battle that I can't win.  I know God will put me where He wants me, but where is that???!!!! 
I want to blame someone, but the truth is, there is no one to blame.  My baby needs constant and consistent care to stay healthy and at this point, I am the only one who can really give that to her.   What is a mom supposed to do?  I need to remain positive, hopeful, and confident....if in nothing else, at least in God!  It seems that everyone I have counted on up until now can no longer fill the spaces that they used to.  Anyone who I could count on has let me down in one way or another.  Maybe that was part of His plan all along.  If I am counting on everyone else, how can I ever see the power of God?
So, all this ranting and I still have no answer.  I'll keep applying for jobs, praying about God's plan for me, and remaining faithful that I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be. Just another trial......

*On a more positive note.....McKenna gave me quite a scare a couple weeks back!  I really saw CF for the first time.  She was hacking and coughing and choking and throwing up. She had not appetite and cried all day. I was scared to say the least!  We went to the doctor, found out she had bronchitis and an ear infection.  We are on our last day of meds today and she is back to her same old self.  She is finally starting to eat again and her easy going personality is back.  Thank God!  I always go back to a verse from a Christian song "Our God is greater, our God is stronger...God You are higher than any other....Our God is Healer, awesome in power!"

   

It's a good day!

As I was driving to get Aryana from school I was grumbling about the ever increasing gas prices.  Thinking about ways I could avoid having to fill my tank and kiss another $65 goodbye.  Basically I was worrying and not trusting that God would take care of things.  Just then the phone rang.  It was the CF clinic in San Antonio.  We had been there yesterday for McKenna's clinic and she had blood drawn to check her liver enzymes.  They have been elevated since November and I have been praying and praying that liver disease was not on our horizon.  Liver disease is the second leading cause of death in people with cystic fibrosis, and I just couldn't believe that God had this plan for my baby.

Her liver enzymes came back NORMAL!  It was the best news I have heard since finding out the older girls did not have CF!  I hung up the phone and praised God for answering our prayers.  I had tears streaming down my face....tears of joy =).  After thanking God for another miracle, I called Jaime to tell him the good news.  He has been doubting his faith lately, and I really think this may have restored it.  No one can tell me that God is not in control and on our side!  I just have an overwhelming sense that God is going to handle this disease.  Part of me is just waiting to hear bad news, news that is going to bring me to my knees and wondering why.  But, that news has not come yet and I have to keep faith it is not going to.  I have to keep praying for McKenna's continued health.

Hallelujah...... McKenna is doing great, so great that we don't have to go back for 2 months! Who cares how much gas is as long as ALL my babies are healthy. It is so refreshing to get good news.  Tonight I will sleep great.  God is so good!  Let all of the glory and praise be his!

• At clinic on Thursday I saw a mom who had not been so blessed. Her little baby was being admitted for whatever reason.  She came out of the back with tears streaming down her face and a
  frantic look on her face.  I wanted to jump out of my chair and give her a hug.  My heart ached for her, but part of me was glad that it was her and not me.  I said a little prayer for her and her baby boy and still it is on my mind.  I do pray for her comfort and his health every time they cross my mind. If you have a chance please pray for all of the people affected by this horrible disease.  Pray for a cure.  Pray for God to put the knowledge in some doctors head that holds the answer.  Thank you!
   

My blessings.....

Its Saturday night.  Jaime is out of town AGAIN, Aryana is with a friend, and the other two girls are sleeping.  I'm in that mindset, where I'm feeling a bit blue, lonely, sad, and overwhelmed.  But...I'm kicking satan and his negative thoughts of my life to the curb.  God is doing a great work in my life and with my family.  I have too much to be greatful for to be stuck in the "whoa is me" state.

McKenna has just kicked another cold AND the flu.  For a baby with cystic fibrosis that is great.  I find myself waiting on pins and needles, waiting for that culture to come back positive or for them to tell me the worst.  But...they haven't!  God is answering our prayers.  In fact, McKenna has been less sick than Aryana was at this age (knock on wood, cross my fingers)!  I am so blessed.  My baby is doing great.  She is gaining right along the 50th percentile, she is exploring, talking, grabbing, eating....all the things a typical 6 month old does.  The dr's tell me "Great Job Mom"  and in my head I am thinking no... Thank God!  God is the reason for it all and to God be the Glory!

And McKenna is not the only blessing in my life.  Nevaeh and Aryana are awesome as well.  Nevaeh is heading into her 6th month of speech therapy, and people can finally understand what that smart little girl is saying.  All of the knowledge has been trapped behind her lips for months now, and she won't SHUT UP!!!  Its wonderful.  Aryana had kickball tryouts today, yes I said tryouts.  I guess the purpose is too make the teams even.  She is so athletic (like her mom;)!) and she amazes me.  I love watching her run and play and enjoy her life.  I find myself trying to catch up with the fact that my baby is in kindergarten...she is really 6!  All 3 of my girls are wonderful, beautiful little things and AGAIN I have God the thank for them.

Me and Jaime are in a sort of transformation right now.  Its like we both decided that we weren't happy where we professionaly and are demanding a change.  I quit my job...the job I felt like I needed for whatever reason.  I decided that the drama, the lack of appreciation, pay and the other things I would rather not go into, were not worth me not spending every second with McKenna.  She needed me and I needed her.  We couldn't afford for me to quit and stay home...but we really couldn't afford for McKenna to be getting sick and exposed to all those nasty germs in daycare.  Jaime just turned 30!  OHMYGOSH!  I met him when he was 20 and now here we are facing his 30's...lol...mine will begin in 2 years!  I pray to God that our 30's prove to be better than our 20's, but if not then thats ok because we have eachother and we have our family and that is all we have ever needed before.

God will carry us just like always.  He is growing us, making us in His image, in His time, with His purpose.  Whenever I question why....I just try to remember that God has a will for our lives and no matter how hard I fight it, He is fulfilling His will for our lives.  I might as well find happiness in everything and enjoy today because I now see firsthand that none of is guaranteed tomorrow.

Another try

Ok, I'm gonna give this whole blogging thing another try.  I have read so many blogs that inspire, encourage, and strengthen me.  Hopefully, my blog can be that to somebody and a sort of "therapy" to me all at the same time.